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Ibidis Mortem's X-files
"Bald Knob Blues"Chapter 1.
(Somewhere in the background the x-files music plays. Not the creepy TV version, mind you, but the hip, jazzy club mix.)
Tuesday. 10:30 a.m. - Toronto.
It's been a long time since Agent Mortem has seen daylight. He'd been locked up in a French prison for the last seven episodes while Agent Scurvy had some appalling tests done to her. The dramatic rescue that the FBI accomplished was nothing short of a season ending cliffhanger. Unfortunately Agent Scurvy had died during the attack when one of the agents accidentally spilled a double latte in her IV dosage. The intense, straight-to-the-blood-stream caffeine rush was more than her tortured body could handle.
Agent Mortem began an exhaustive search of the complex, looking for any clue which might lead to winning the lottery. He began to search the lab where the late Agent Scurvy was being tested upon and he ran across a rack of test tubes labeled "Scurvy". This was quite the interesting development. This was something that could lead into many more seasons of debate, if left properly mysterious. Agent Mortem confiscated the tubes and took all but one of them to the Agency guys that were swarming through the rest of the complex. That one he kept tucked away in his jacket pocket.
Saturday 2:00 p.m. - Vancouver.
Agent Mortem had been stalking around his office like a rabid cat. Skinny had come in and told him that they were doing all they could do to get him back on duty, but until the medical results came back, he was still considered on medical leave. Skinny informed Agent Mortem of the Bureau's intentions of pairing him up w/a new partner. Mortem raved on about how he can work alone and no one could replace Scurvy.
Later that afternoon, Agent Mortem was sitting in Skinny's office chewing on some beef jerky when in walked a woman into the office. She was wearing standard FBI dress, and had a set of Foster Grants on that were mirrored on both sides so she could look at herself. Skinner said, "Agent Mortem, I'd like you to meet the new Agent Scurvy, also known as Heart Shine. She's your new partner". Agent Mortem was aghast! I told you that I can work alone. Skinny just told him of the ratings ramifications if he went solo. People wanted to see a man and a woman get into tight situations together.
There was something about Agent Scurvy that was nagging at Agent Mortem, it was probably the way that she kept telling him his tie didn't match his shoes. That's enough to make a government agent wanna start killing. She looked familiar, but in a strange way. She had a vague French accent, but Mortem just attributed that to the fact that they were in Canada. She's probably a Canuck.
Skinny laid out their mission for them. The Bureau had been getting reports of a strange cult of people who were worshipping a long defunct religion. There have been strange sightings at night down there, and the local townsfolk were scared out of their wits. Mortem and Scurvy were to go down there and investigate, and see if the reports of paranormal activities reveal anything. They were still allowed no access to the x-files and they were not to be recognized as FBI agents. This was to be strictly an undercover job. Agent Scurvy asked what type of religious rites these people were practicing. Skinny said, "Fornication". Agent Mortem thought to himself that this really would be an undercover job.
This is Agent Mortem saying, Ibidis Mortem's X-files, Golden Globe winner for "Best Parody of a Dramatic Series" yuk yuk. Chapter 2.
Monday. 12:00 p.m. - Bald Knob, Idaho.
Only a place like Bald Knob could be home to a religious cult such as the one reported to Agents Mortem and Scurvy. The agents' arrival into town was less than spectacular, and it seemed to be a very unremarkable town, apart from the name, of course. The farmers were going about their business with a very quiet, friendly air about them. Nothing unremarkable here. Mortem and Scurvy were coming in undercover as Jonas, an evangelist from the South, and Penny, a former Hollywood scream queen. They were just another couple looking for a bit of land to raise a family and throw around a little goat's blood. Just an average Idaho couple.
They had talked to the Realtor there in town and had taken a look at the land and house they were "buying". Nothing seemed to be inappropriate in either. The Realtor seemed to be the epitome of a helpful western type. The situation was quite eerie in it's normalness overall. The Realtor left them there to get acquainted with the place as she went to get the papers from her car. Scurvy quickly did a search of the place, looking for surveillance equipment. Mortem went out the back door to see what was nearby. There appeared to be nothing but a bunch of table top buttes within view of the back porch. Again, nothing remarkable. This was getting pretty damned frustrating for Mortem.
Mortem re-entered the house to see Agent Scurvy sitting down at the dining room table with the Realtor to sign the papers. After scanning the contract, the Realtor handed Scurvy a pen and indicated where to sign. As Scurvy finished signing her alias to the paper she gave a sharp intake of breath and dropped the pen. She looked up at Mortem and gave a slight nod to the pen. Mortem picked the pen up and started his signature. As soon as the pen left the paper, he felt a numbing cold come from the pen into his hand. He too, gave a start and dropped the writing utensil. This was strange. He looked down at his hand and saw the faint traces of an outline where he had been holding the pen.
The Realtor stood up and thanked them and walked out the door. As she was getting into her car, she told them of the little evening picnic the townsfolk were planning on having that evening. She hoped they could make it. Scurvy said something non-committal that seemed to satisfy the Realtor. Mortem waited until the car was out of sight before he went to his luggage and withdrew his pistol. He checked it to make sure it was loaded and then stashed it away under the waistband of his pants. He put his jacket on over the top of it, and headed out the door, telling Agent Scurvy that he was going to check the countryside.
Agent Scurvy headed into town to get a better fix on the locals. She picked up a few groceries and found out the time and location of the picnic that evening. It was gonna be at the "Feelin' OK" corral, just after dusk. She was on her way back into town when she saw the sun reflecting off of metal on the side of one of the table tops in the distance. She made a mental note to herself to go up there and ch... her mental note pen ran out of ink. She stopped off at the Circle K and got a replacement filler, and resumed her note. ....eck and see if Mortem had seen what that was.
Agent Mortem has his FBI standard issue hiking boots strapped to his dogs while climbing up the hillside. His shoes fit well too. He had made it to the top of the butte, and he pulled out his field glasses and took a look at the countryside. Looking back at the town he saw what appeared to be a large stage being erected in a corral just north of the city limits. That must be the party place. He did a scan of the surrounding area and saw nothing but flat scrub land. No worries for any sneak attacks from there. He did a 360 degree sweep of the countryside until he saw a metallic glint coming from a butte to the West. He tried to focus in on it, but the reflection of the sun was too bright to make out any details. Oh well, time was running out so he'd have to check on it later.
When he arrived back at the house, Agent Scurvy was putting away the groceries. He asked he if she'd found anything, and she said that they make excellent beer brats back at the diner. Oh, well that's great. Anything relevant to our mission? She said she knew where to meet that evening and what time. ...
6:30 had come rolling around and Mortem and Scurvy were out heading down the street. The people seemed to be heading in no particular direction, they were going about their usual business. A loud bell sounded from the direction of the corral. Twice more it sounded and the people there in town suddenly all stop in their tracks. They put their possessions down where they were standing, and began to take their clothes off! Agent Mortem and Agent Scurvy stood in the street, dumfounded, while the local population got naked. This is extraordinary, thought Scurvy.
The naked townsfolk suddenly began skipping along towards the direction of the corral. Ewww, thought Mortem. Skipping is one thing you don't wanna see naked people do. That's gotta hurt. One particularly buxom woman was beating herself senseless, but didn't even seem to notice. Agent Scurvy said they should follow, but they needed to proceed w/caution. The agents headed down the street for a date w/destiny.
This is Agent Mortem saying, Bald Knob, Idaho, the only town w/cross walks with hop-scotch drawn on them. yuk yuk. Chapter 3.
Monday. 6:30 p.m. - Bald Knob, Idaho.
Agents Mortem and Scurvy approached the Feelin' OK Corral, following the stream of locals who stumbled, skipped, and generally frolicked their way there. Agent Scurvy wondered if their cover would be broken by the fact they weren't stripping down and buffing their way to the "picnic". This is easily the closest thing they have seen to the reported fornicating religious rites, but it wasn't proof yet. Neither Mortem nor Scurvy wanted to doff their clothes and be forced to leave their guns behind.
Luckily when they rounded the corner leading to the gate. They noticed that a handful of the people hadn't taken off their clothes. Whew! They approached the gate and the farmer there smiled at them. Agent Scurvy smiled back as she started to walk through the opening. The farmer's smile vanishes and his hand strikes out like lightning to grab her arm. He says, you can't come in w/out the pass. Agent Mortem suddenly has a thought come to mind. Show him your hand, Penny. Scurvy holds out her hand and the farmer looks at it and the smile appears again as if by magic. You guys go on in.
Well, looks like you have to have signed the contract to get into this joint, thinks Scurvy. A good way to prevent non-land owners from crashing in. Mortem and Scurvy stand off to the side a bit and try to blend in. Mortem keeps his eyes wandering around, trying not to stay too long on one person for fear of offending them and bringing undue attention to themselves. Scurvy, on the other hand, was leering like a teenager at the array of flesh before them. Well all right, thought Mortem, this job does have a few perks every now and then.
The atmosphere begins to take an upswing as the people who have stripped down begin to start dancing in a frenzy. The band playing on stage, Buck Naked and the Bare Bottom Boys, has increased their beat to a feverous level. Everyone has worked up a sweat, and have strange glints in their eyes. Agent Scurvy grabs Agent Mortem and pulls him back into the shadows. She whispers, we don't want to get caught up in this. .. You're right, we've go to keep our minds clear of this mess.
A man steps up to the front of the stage just as the band finishes it's song. Agent Mortem doesn't recognize him, but he has the air of authority about him. The man begins a speech about the moralistic revival sweeping the land and how the country would be better off letting down it's hair. As his speech becomes more impassioned, the crowd begins to respond. The men and women begin to become more aroused and start to writhe around on the ground in response to each crescendo of the speech.
Mortem and Scurvy's eyes nearly pop from their heads as the activity increases. It becomes hard for the two of them to concentrate on the task at hand. Well, depending on the task. Mortem's thoughts become interrupted by the sight of bubbles floating over his shoulder and into the air in front of him. He reaches out and grabs Agent Scurvy to show her. He gets his hand slapped! Whoops. Sorry about that, Scurvy.
A deep, gravely voice from behind them tells them that if they're through, there's work to be done. Mortem and Scurvy turn around to see a shadowy figure wearing a trenchcoat. That voice could only belong to one person, the Bubble Pipe Smoking Man! The BPSM looks at the two of them and tosses a bucket of cold water on them. There, he says, that should cool your blood a bit and help you focus.
He tells the two agents that this whole thing is a set up. The residents here know nothing about it, but the government is trying to set up Mortem and Scurvy in an elaborate naked bust about to happen in a few minutes. Before Mortem can ask any further questions as to why the BPSM is helping them, he hears the sound of helicopters in the distance. Oh no. We've got to find a place to hide. They turn back to the BPSM and he has disappeared. Only a few bubbles floating down even show that he'd ever been there. The two agents quickly hurdle the fence and step into a building near to the corral.
The helicopters land in a field just off to edge of the fences, but the writhing, probing people don't seem to notice. Looks like townsfolk had installed a banana slide coated in baby oil and they are all sliding down it and landing in a pile of flesh. The men from the choppers burst through the fence and begin shouting orders for everyone to give up and come with them. The man who had been speaking on-stage is grabbed immediately and hustled off.
The G-men start trying to round up the revelers, but no one is paying them any mind. Every time the men attempt to grab a townsperson, they slip off due to the accumulation of oils, sweat, and whatever other fluids surround them. The people begin to crawl back to their pile as soon as they are grabbed. It's like a bunch of monkeys trying to capture greased pigs. Eventually the leader has enough of this and sticks his stun gun to the nearest fornicator and stuns the entire group at once.
The people are loaded into the helicopters and flown off towards the West. Agents Mortem and Scurvy watch them disappear over the house. We've got to follow them, says Scurvy, to find out who tried to set us up. You're right, says Mortem, let's do it. I mean, let's go.
This is Agent Mortem saying, how does one join this branch of the government anyway? (Get it? Join the branch?... Ah never mind) yuk yuk Chapter 4.
Monday. 9:30 p.m. - A Butte just to the West of Bald Knob, Idaho.
Agents Mortem and Scurvy were wearing their black jump suits to minimize the chance of being spotted approaching the mysterious butte. They were getting very close to the area where they had spotted the metallic substance earlier in the day. Trying to keep a low profile in the Idaho scrubs was approaching ludicrous. It seemed every noise they made echoed through the night.
The ground suddenly erupted in front of the agents as some type of craft rose from the earth and began to hover. Mortem and Scurvy dove into the nearest brush thicket and watched the strange craft. It was a long cylindrical tube that rose from the ground like a missile leaving it's silo. The Freudian references are astonishing as it rises up into the air. It makes almost no noise. As if it has a propulsion unit like the world had never seen before.
The tube hovers just over the brush thicket for a few moments and then streaks off to the East. Agent Scurvy lets out a long sigh and starts to rise from the brush. Agent Mortem grabs her and ducks her back below cover, just as another 3 of the cylinders streak overhead, moving in the direction of the town. The two agents wait a few minutes and resume heading towards the butte.
The agents arrive at the place where they had seen the metal reflection earlier, but now see nothing but dirt. Dirt that didn't appear to have been disturbed for many years. Agent Scurvy checks her bearings, and says, I know this is the location where I saw the metal. Agent Mortem agrees, but there is still no sign of it. Perhaps we need to climb a bit more to get a better vantage point. The two agents climb into the cold, black night, unaware of the cylinder which hovers over them, high above.
Monday. 9:35 p.m. - A jet flying over Idaho.
The Bubble Pipe Smoking Man sits in a chair, looking around for his magic dip. His cellular phone rings, and he answers it before the first ring is through. Hello? Yes, it's me. Yes, the pigeons are on the right track. This could still go wrong you know, they know the pigeons are coming. If they manage to capture Scurvy and.... Yes, damn it! I know the ramifications as much as you do! However they've got to do it on their own, without our assistance. we can't be involved at this juncture. All right, good bye. The BPSM resumes blowing his soothing bubbles throughout the plane, to the dismay of the pilots who keep having them pop on their faces.
Monday 10:00 p.m. - The Butte.
Mortem peeks his head over the tope of the butte, looking around for any signs of life. Nothing was to be seen. Scurvy peeks her head over the top as well and sniffs the air. Do you smell that? .. No, what do you smell? .. It's gun oil and metal. .. How the Hell can you smell that? I don't smell a thing. .. I just do! Now listen to me, there's something just ahead. Let's go.
They crawl forward until they reach an opening in the mountain. It's a hole reaching far down into the earth. Below they see what appears to be a launching pad of some kind, with an enormous metallic cube resting on it. There is a bustle of activity below as figures in chartreuse body suits move around the cube.
Agent Mortem hears a metallic clang from behind them and quickly crawls back to the edge of the butte. A door has opened below and some figures are moving around below. He can hear them talking in some kind of strange voices, but he can't make out what they're saying. They appear to be looking for something. They have fanned out and are making their way up the mountain.
Mortem crawls back to Scurvy and sees her looking over the edge into the hole. He whispers to her to get her attention, but she doesn't respond. He reaches out to touch her shoulder and only then sees the problem. She's got some type of suction cup attached to her face! It is pulsing as if there were fluid moving through the tube attached to it. Mortem carefully risks a glance over the edge and sees that the suction cup is attached to some mobile vacuum unit that it sweeping the upper platform just a few feet below. This is some really bad luck. Mortem takes out his pocket knife and cuts a small hole in the side of the vacuum tube. The pressure release makes a loud pop, and the cup drops from Scurvy's face. The vacuum unit continues on down the platform, sweeping the area. Agent Scurvy is unconscious, and Mortem feels for her pulse. It appears to be strong. She's still breathing, but is a little bit bug eyed.
A crunch of boots on the ground behind him startles Mortem. He turns around and is looking down the barrel of a rifle. The rifle is held by a figure dressed from head to toe in some type of red, tin-foil-looking suit. The figure's metallic voice says, Stand up! Now turn around and put your hands behind your back. Good. You others grab the woman and follow me. .. Mortem follows the figures down the hillside and into the opening. Well, he thinks, we made it inside after all, just not the way we'd hoped.
This is Agent Mortem saying, sometimes these bad guys just suck! yuk yuk.
Chapter 5.
Monday. 10:30 p.m. - Inside a butte just to the West of Bald Knob, Idaho.
Agent Mortem sits in a holding pen handcuffed and locked away without any light. He knows he is in a conventional cell with bars on 3 sides adjoining other cells of the like. Before they had turned the lights out he had seen Agent Scurvy deposited unceremoniously into a cell loaded w/bean bag chairs all around it. She's lucky if she doesn't smother in there. The other cells had been populated by the village people, he assumed. He had recognized a face or two when he was shoved through, and the policeman and the construction worker were looking pretty involved with each other. That probably explains the strange noises coming from that direction. Best to not think about that.
Mortem scoots over to the edge of the cell bars and whispers to Scurvy, hoping that she is conscious enough to hear. There is no response except for some shuffling. This darkness is getting pretty irritating. He uses his FBI training to work the handcuff latch until it slips over his thumb and off his Right hand. He feels around his cell, looking for something metallic to pick the lock with. His hand brushes against something cold and wet and he gives a shout and leaps backwards. The sound is like an explosion in the quiet darkness, and he resolves himself not to go back that direction again.
Scurvy awakens from the darkness only to open her eyes.... and see nothing! The first thought to come to mind is, I've gone blind! How could this happen. I thought this only happened to guys! Next I'm gonna be growing hair on my... A shout from off to her left interrupts her thoughts. That sounded like Mortem! she whispers softly in the dark. Mortem? ... Scurvy? Are you all right? .. Fine. I just can't see anything. .. Me either. They've turned out all the lights. ... Where are we? .. We're inside the butte, in the holding cells. The villagers are down here with us. I've heard them singing every now and then. .. Have you found a way out? .. No, not yet. Get out of the handcuffs and we'll look for one.
Agent Scurvy exercises the same technique that Mortem used and slips one hand free of the cuffs. She fumbles about for a few minutes and finds a paper clip in one of her pockets. She feels her way towards the cell door and picks the lock. A couple of minutes later she has Mortem's cell unlocked as well. The two agents begins slipping down the hallway hoping to find a door.
A door opens behind them and the overhead light turns on, blinding the agents. The pain is intense! Scurvy sprints for the opposite side of the room and slams into a shuttered window. The window springs open and Scurvy crawls through it into the night. Mortem start to follow after her, but stumbles into the cell bars. The loose handcuffs around his left wrist slam up against the bars. Mortem starts to sprint again, but is suddenly yanked off his feet to the ground, slamming his head on the concrete. In a daze, he looks over and sees that the handcuffs had become latched around one of the bars when he fell into them. What an incredible stroke of bad luck. At least Scurvy made it out.
Agent Scurvy is precariously balanced along the side of the building ledge. Waiting in the dark. Where's Mortem? Should I look back in and see where he is? No. The last time I did that, I nearly had my face sucked off. After a few moments, though, she risks a peek back in the window just in time to see Mortem escorted out by three of the Reynold's Wrapped guards.
The lights go out and she looks around, checking her surroundings. She's on the side of a 4 story building that looks like it is set in a cave deep underground. The cave is about 200 yards wide by almost a half a mile long. She can see the large cube they had seen earlier on the launching pad about 150 yards away, and the opening to the outside in the ceiling above it. She still has most of her non-weapon equipment, so she sets her hook and rappels down to just above what looks like the front door to the building.
She carefully slides herself into the shadows above the doorway and waits. A few minutes later Mortem is escorted out the door w/6 guards. Scurvy watches as he is led towards the pad and the huge metal cube. When they get there, one of the guards runs his hand over an electronic key pad and an opening appears in the side. Mortem is led inside and the door closes behind the group. A guard is left standing outside, but appears to be disinterested in actually looking for something. Scurvy thinks, this is either a trap, or they really don't consider her a threat. She busies herself looking for a way to get to the cube and rescue Mortem.
Agent Mortem stands inside a compact room inside the cube. His curiosity is getting the better of him as he looks around. This is incredible technology. Something I never thought to find, even here. He looks at one of the guards and asks, What's going to happen now? .. Don't worry about it. Just stand there and shut up! .. You can at least tell me, where I'm at. .. No I couldn't. You're just gonna sit here and wait for the boss. The guards eyes widen slightly as he realizes that the gave up too much information, and then his eyes harden and his lips compress as he glares at Mortem.
A call comes over the guard's radio. Emergency! Emergency! We've got a situation in the holding pens! The village people have been stirred up and they're about to riot! ... What happened to get them upset? .. Apparently someone dropped a boom-box in the cells that was playing Andy Gibb, sir! The village people have been chanting "In the Navy" and are breaking loose from their cells! .. Hold tight. I'm sending reserves over there. .. Yes, sir! The guard looks at Mortem for a moment as if considering, and then sends the remaining members out the door to go help with the riot.
As the guard turns to close the door behind them, Mortem slips the cuffs again and shoves the guard from behind. His head cracks into the door, but his helmet protects him from any real damage. He turns with his guns trained on Mortem. Mortem ducks and moves to the left just as a loud crack issues from the door. Mortem looks up and see the guard's unconscious body slump to the floor. Scurvy's head pops around the corner and she says, Need a hand? ... Lady, I am glad to see you. Nice job w/the diversion. .. What diversion? .. You know. The one in the holding cells with the boom box. .. I didn't set up a diversion. I've been waiting outside this cube for a chance to spring you. ... Well then who...? Never mind, we don't have time to mess with it. Let's take a look around and then get out of here.
Mortem and Scurvy open the door leading to the interior of the cube and make a run for the other side of the room. It appears the riot is still keeping the guards occupied. Good. They look around for another door and open it to reveal a large room full of 6' translucent cylinders. There are dozens of them arranged in rows throughout the room. Mortem goes over to a terminal and starts pecking away at the keyboard, trying to get some information.
Scurvy goes over to one of the tubes. She can't see inside as it is covered in moisture. She takes her hand and wipes away the water and peers inside. Her breath catches and she cannot remove her widened eyes from the contents of the container. She tries to speak, but cannot. She tires once more and gasps out, Mortem, come here. ... What is it? .. Just come here. Mortem walks over and sees the horrified expression on Scurvy's face. Puzzled, he turns and looks inside the tube. Inside he sees a perfect replica of Scurvy, lying there as if asleep. This isn't possible, he thinks. He brushes past the stunned Scurvy and goes to the next container. He wipes away the condensation and see another perfect simulacrum of Scurvy. He stares, dumfounded, at it for a second, and then it's eyes open and look at him.
Mortem gasps and stumbles away from the cylinder. He grabs Scurvy and forces her to look at him. We've got to go! Now! Scurvy just slightly nods her head and they make for the door. Suddenly the door slams shut and a voice resounds from all around them. Not just yet, kiddies! We've still got a lot of talking left to do! Then laughter fills the air.
This is Agent Mortem saying, with all this Scurvy going around, you'd think no one was eating citrus! yuk yuk. Chapter 6.
Tuesday 11:32 p.m. - An office building somewhere in Washington, D.C.
A lone man walks around his office. Looking for a cigarette to calm his nerves. He just gets one popped into his mouth when the phone rings. He picks up the receiver and places it next to his ear, leaving his hands free to light a match. Hello? A gravely voice on the other side says, is this U? The match is long forgotten in the man's hand when he hears the voice. Yes, this is U. .. Don't get smart with me. You know who I am don't you? .. Yes. I know who U is, I mean you are. .. Mortem and Scurvy have been captured. I've put in an operative to assist them, but if they are taken away, it'll be your ass on the line. .. I know it, damn it! Don't you think I know that?!? .. I don't care about what you know. I care about what you're going to do. .. All right. All right. I'll send over a team immediately. .. Good. I'm in route from there to the office. Make sure that they find out as little as possible, and get them out of there. .. I will.
The man known only as U hangs up the phone, only then realizing that the match in his hand had burned down and scorched his fingers. Giving a quick yelp and putting his damaged hands in his mouth, U picks up the phone. It is answered immediately on the other side. Get me a team assembled and prepped immediately. I'm going to Bald Knob.
Tuesday 12:32 a.m. - Inside of a butte to the West of Bald Knob, Idaho.
Agents Mortem and Scurvy looked all around the room searching for the source of the voice. Scurvy quickly pointed out the speaker system along walls, and a camera over the main terminal. She shouted out, Who are you? The voice stopped laughing and replies, I don't think that's what you really want to know. .. How do YOU know what we want? .. Oh, I think you want to know what all of those Agent Scurvys are doing in those tubes. Don't you? .. Yes, we do! What is going on here? .. Well, it goes like this, Agent Mortem. You really don't know much about your partner, do you? Perhaps you would like to know more. .. What are you talking about? .. I'm talking about the fact your partner isn't even a real person. She's a clone! She was bred for the express purpose of infiltrating the FBI and finding out what they know about us. It looks like they, and you, don't know a whole Hell of a lot. .. Yeah, so?!? .. It looks like she didn't have enough time to accomplish the mission. .. No! I'm not some clone, I'm a real person! .. Tsk tsk, Agent Scurvy. You were bred from samples we had taken from the former Agent Scurvy and rapidly grown in these very tanks. All the memories you have of childhood and all are false. .. No! It can't be.
Agent Scurvy looks at Agent Mortem for support on this issue.When she sees the expression on his face, she goes cold. Mortem believes him! How could he believe him? I'm real, not one of these... these.. copies!
Mortem saw Scurvy looking at him for reassurance, but it had all fallen into place for him. That's why she looked so familiar! She was bred from Scurvy's genetic material. Why didn't I recognize the resemblance before this?
The voice over the speakers continued. Well "Scurvy", since you haven't been able to find anything out, and it looks like the Bureau will certainly never let you in again, we're just going to have to terminate you, and your little dog too. Time to release my ultimate army! Ha, ha, ha!
Mortem hears a clicking sound behind him, and he sees the tubes open all around the room. The cloned Scurvys are getting out of them and moving towards him and Scurvy. Scurvy is still looking at him, and pleading. You can't believe him! You can't! I would never do something like that! ... There's no time to be talking about this, Scurvy. You are about to kick both of our asses!
Mortem and Scurvy sprint for the only door that didn't have a steel plate slammed over it. It's unlocked! They quickly open it and run to the other side. Mortem locks it from his side, but he knows it won't hold for long. Now to see where we are. We're in a food locker! Great! There's no way out of here.
The door suddenly shudders, and Mortem grabs the handle and presses his body up against it. Scurvy looks at him, knowing he couldn't hold it for long. She starts looking through the boxes of food for something to jam in the door frame. Suddenly, a scent catches her nose. She starts drooling uncontrollably. Chocolate! Oooh, that has always been her weakness. She starts flinging boxes in the air behind her until she runs across the box of chocolates. She rips open the box and grabs a handful of the milk-made heaven. She stuffs it into her mouth and immediately lapses into a state of unawareness. Just simply sitting there, looking around the room peacefully.
Agent Mortem looks at Scurvy sitting on the floor staring vacantly at him, with chocolate stains on her mouth and hands. What just happened to her? It must have been the chocolate! She was acting like a rabid dog until she ate some. It must be some type of built-in trigger to shut down the clones. This might be our only chance. Mortem dives from the door into the pile of boxes. Moments later the door bursts open in an outbreak of Scurvy. Mortem frantically searches through the boxes, seeking the chocolate. He finally finds it and bursts up from the pile with an entire box in his hands. He shows it to the Scurvy clones and their faces break into drooling smiles and they start clapping their hands together, arms outstretched, like a bunch of seals doing tricks.
Mortem keeps it guarded in front of him as he walks towards the door. The crowd of Scurvys parts for him like a virgin's legs on prom night, and they allow him to pass through. Mortem walks to the center of the room, and he rapidly becomes completely surrounded by Scurvys. He hurls the box as far as he can and dives under the nearest desk. The stampede of cloned cattle just misses trampling him into Mortem's Glue-All as they thunder after the semi-sweet knock out drugs. Mortem can only watch in amazement as they shred the box and gorge themselves. In a short time they are all catatonic on the floor. he thinks, I've got to find a way out of here now.
Suddenly the roof caves in above him, scattering debris everywhere. A grenade flies through the air from the opening and lands on the ground next to him. Mortem dives back under the desk again, just as the grenade releases a stream of orange gas. It quickly envelops the clones and they begin screaming and start dissolving away. The gas now rolls towards Mortem. This is it! It's all over. The gas surrounds him, but he feels nothing. It must only work on synthetic flesh!
Six men rappel in on ropes and train their weapons on him and the clone puddles. They are wearing black combat suits and have masks over their faces. Where could they be from? The door opens and in walks U. Mortem shouts at him, What the Hell's going on? What're you doing here? .. We're here to save your butt, Mortem. Yours and Scurvy's. A sudden thought occurs to Mortem. Scurvy!
He sprints for the door to the food closet and sees half of Scurvy's body had been dissolved away by errant streams of gas. Oh no! I can't believe this happened, Scurvy. Don't worry you'll be all right. A gurgling Scurvy replies weakly. Don't worry about me. I've had a good life. Find out what is happening. Mortem can only sit there and weep as Scurvy dies. He reaches into his coat pocket, grasping the tube containing Scurvy's genes he had stolen from the French prison lab. Don't worry Scurvy, you'll be back.
He bursts back into the room and asks U, what the Hell's going on?!? .. You don't need to know .. Don't need to know? What kind of crap is that? .. If you ask questions about this place, they will go unanswered. If you tell anyone, they won't believe you. If you bring them back, it won't be here. That's what I mean. .. Another f'ing cover-up! I'm going to bring down who's responsible, U. I swear it! It takes a sick mind to come up with this kind of a twisted plan! .. I know it does, and he's the one telling the story. Both U and Agent Mortem look at me and say, "End of Story".
This is Ibidis Agent Mortem saying, I love it when I cause my own problems. yuk yuk. © 1998 C A Lutke