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Tales of the AICEFF
Operation: Under Where?
Day 1, hour? Who knows the damn hour?
All I know is that I'm nervous as hell - my palms are sweating for the first time since I can remember. The new mission is something everyone has known about for a long time, but no one talks about. Operation: Under Where? Background info... Our beloved leader, Codename: Mortem continuously refuses to wear underwear under his kilt. Not even a direct order from the head honchos can get him to do it. So, it becomes a mission for his own team, the AICEFF to undertake the job.
We are all gathered for the meeting in the main hall. It is strange to be there for the debriefing of the mission without Mortem there, but we all know he has been debriefed for way too long. We are all there, Schrodinger's Cat Codename: Cat, Drudic Concoctions Codename: Druid, Not a Phase Codename: NAP, Rohmer Codename: Rohmer, Immortal Sin Codename: Immortal, Ligeia Codename: Iguana girl (But we still choose to call her Ligeia), Evil Pixie Codename: Pixie, Heart Shine, Codename: Doc, Devil's Dance Codename: Devil, and me Codename: Plohoie. (Whew! A few deep breaths here.)
Unfortunately for me, in Mortem's absence, I have been picked to lead this mission because of my past experience leading the Russian team. But I know my duty, so I reluctantly take the position. Everyone else maintains their positions, though Devil wants to be the sniper, but he was consoled when he is told that #1, Pixie is the sniper for this team and #2, there should be no killing whatsoever on this mission. So that means NO GUNS! Everyone looks shocked. I know, we all consider our guns as extensions of our bodies. Some more than others. But no one objects, this IS our beloved leader after all! We all agree to meet up that evening. This mission will hopefully be short and sweet. (No, Ibidis, I'm not implying anything) Night 1, hour sometime after dark. Mortem is in bed and sleeping soundly, we hope. Cat tells us of the dream she had earlier during her nap. It was terrifying, but NAP assured us that it meant some might not make it out unharmed, but no one would die. She couldn't tell us if we would be successful, though. We start towards his room. We're going in... Our eyes adjust to the darkness of the room. Luckily there is enough moon light so we can see pretty well. Is that a night light? Good, that helps us out even more. Immortal goes to investigate. He comes back and lets us all know it is in fact Mortem in the bed. I tell Rohmer to remind everyone of our exact objective, to get in there, place some skivvies on that man and get out, hopefully with no fatalities. We all approach quietly. I should've known. Mortem is sleeping in his kilt. Scotsmen are known for doing everything in their kilts. He is talking in his sleep. Something about wearing a sequined dress to battle. He grins once and says "nice sheep". Suddenly an unfelt wind from the window blows the kilt up! Wait a second, the window is closed. I instruct Doc to plant beano in his food for now on. The quick thinking Pixie pins the kilt down to the sheets with some straight pins (or what ever he calls them) from Druid's bag. Too late, Nap is rendered blind and Druid is wandering aimlessly around the room muttering something about three billion chinamen and him with only a rubber chicken. Ligeia guides them out to the hall and returns to help us. Immortal suddenly jumps through the air and slams into Devil while smoothly taking the gun from his hands. I harshly demanded an explanation and he says he thought he saw the Diamond of the Lucky Seven from our last mission. Rohmer calmly tells him it was just Mortem's blue ribbon. I reprimand him for bringing a gun on the mission and Immortal tells him that he used to be trigger happy as well but he learned to control it. All right guys, time for your itchy trigger fingers anon meeting later, we have a mission to carry out. Luckily Mortem is a heavy sleeper. I ask Ligeia for the undies. She pulls out the flannel boxers. We all agreed on these to make the transition as easy for Mortem as possible. We get the boxers around his ankles and then up to his knees but Immortal just can't stand the silence anymore and cracks a joke. Mortem starts yuking away and everyone else in the room snickers, but then we realize what just happened. Are you crazy Immortal? "Yes" he replies. Take Devil out to check on Druid and NAP and stay there until we come out. Rohmer, rub Mortem's belly and see if we can get him into deep sleep once again. It's amazing that he didn't wake up. It was a good joke though, I allow myself another little giggle, but I have to contain it or else we would all be rolling on the floor. So, it's just women now. Oh well, Mortem would be happy if he knew. Rohmer, Pixie and I start trying to get the boxers the rest of the way up While Cat, Ligeia and Doc looked on for any signs of potential danger. We get them up almost all the way up, but we can't roll him over in fear of waking him up. Ligeia has the solution. She mischeviously grins as she takes the tooth fairey's dust out of her bag. How did you get that? I wondered where that went. Pixie tells her she better share with her or she'll have to blast her with some of her everstick pixie dust.
Hey, hey! We will need both to get these boxers on Mortem. You two can barter for dust afer we are done here. As of right now we need to concentrate on what we are doing. I wonder how Mortem does it, leading this group with not much trouble at all. Russians were never this hard. I guess that's why he's our leader. Ligeia sprinkles just enough to lift Mortem about a foot off of the bed. The potential for this stuff! We unpin the sheets from Mortem's kilt and pull the boxers the rest of the way up. Yea! We did it! Mortem suddenly snorts. Oh no! We all duck down except Cat who starts bellydancing. What is she doing? Ohhhh, good thinking Cat! Mortem apparently thinks he's dreaming and closes his eyes once more. We pull him back down to the bed and dust him off. Pixie puts some of her everstick pixie dust on the boxers. He won't be able to take those babys off until he is used to wearing them. We all breath a sight of relief. No more accidental flashes. No more full moons on a sunny day. We join Immortal, Devil, Druid, and NAP out in the hall. Druid and NAP have recuperated but I tell them to go see the company psychologist just in case. Immortal is livid because he wasn't there to see Cat dance. She assures us all that she will dance for us after she has gotten some sleep. That sounds like a good idea. We hear an agonizing scream behind us and we all scurry off to our rooms to settle into bed. All except Devil who went off to watch late night cartoons. As I nod off I wonder if Mortem will thank us some day. Something in the back of my head tells me maybe not, we will just have to wait and see. That night I had a nightmare about a pair of flannel boxers chasing me all around. I wonder if anyone else did as well. This is Codename: Plohoie saying, ask Ibidis, he usually has something to say. © 1998 T A D