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Tales of the AICEFF
Operation: Pulling TeethChapter 1.
Article in the Obituaries of the USA Today. ....
"The Year in Review - deaths. The world was saddened last year by the loss of some great heroes. A super-secret strike team, apparently organized for the express purpose of eradicating the impossible enemies, set forth last November for the North Pole, bent on the destruction of the evil regime led by Santa Claus, commonly referred to by most as Satan Claws. The members of this strike force gave their lives in a daring attack on Toyland itself, finally destroying Satan Claws in a last desperate attack. The resultant explosion rocked the Arctic region and ensured that the area would remain irradiated for the remainder of the century. This radiation has led to reports of strangely mutated animals: glowing polar bears, 100 ft. mackerel, and Jumbo shrimp. The World Seal Clubbing Conglomerate has filed a grievance against the U.S. Government, stating that their job has become much more difficult as a result of the seals now having 3 heads to hit as opposed to one. The names of the members of this super-secret task force have not been released by the government, citing Classified information. The team name, and who they report to, have not been released either. The government spokesperson has stated that the families of the team members will be notified and then put in a witness protection program, in fear of reprisals from other holiday fiends. Therefore we must honor our nameless heroes in our own ways, and make an attempt not to forget them or their sacrifice, in the name of humanity."
This is Ibidis (Codename: Mortem) saying, just when you thought it was safe to be dead and all. Here comes Operation: Pulling Teeth. yuk yuk. Chapter 2.
Day 1 - 0300 hours
Darkness. I can't see a thing. I open my eyes, but it doesn't make a difference. Don't really feel anything either. Where is everyone? Wait. I hear something. Sounds like people talking. I can't make out the language. Maybe if I concentrate. .... There! I can make out some of the words, but it's full of some kind of technical jargon that means nothing to me. Let's see. Remember your training, soldier. First step is figure out where you are. What's that last thing you remember?
Ah, yes. I was making the tape for everyone to know what happened on the assault on Santa. I was disabled from that damnable crotch missile mine when I heard the first roar from the explosion, then a light, then... nothing. Then I must be dead. Seems to be a common habit these days. If I'm dead again, then I must be back in the regeneration tanks at base. Shit! I was hoping for once they'd go ahead and keep me dead. This constant regeneration crap is really getting on my nerves.
Ah, sounds like the lab boys are getting closer. I hear the sound of machinery humming. Ooooh! That's some bright light boys. How 'bout turning that down, huh? They apologize and tell me that it been approx. 6 weeks since Operation: Chestnuts Roasting. Good. That means I don't have to do any holiday shopping. I figure there's no members of my family around to shop for anyway. They've been told I was dead years ago.
I get out of the regen-tank and start to towel off. Damn! You'd think that if they were going to keep growing me back from scratch, they could do something about this shrinkage thing! Oh well, Some things never change. After I get my clothes on, I stroll through the lab. There's everyone's tanks all right: Not A Phase, Ligeia, Immortal Sin, Jules, Rohmer, Evil Pixie, and even Plohoie Debushka. Wow, they brought the Russian team leader back. Nothing like new additions to the troop. This should be these guys' first resurrection - government style. I'm sure they'll be really loving this. I dug it too, the first time. After that, it just gets old. Makes ya feel like you're in a twisted version of Groundhog Day.
The door opens behind me and in comes Codename: Jasper, the top dog of this lil' agency. No one really knows his name or where he comes from. He tells me that the committee has decided to give us some new recruits to replace the ones that were unsalvageable. Great! That's just what I needed, new meat. Jasper doesn't seem to appreciate my sarcasm, but then again, he was always dumb as a rock.
He gestures to the door and in walk three fresh faces. Well, there were bodies attached to them too. 2 men and a woman. They introduce them selves as Codename: Druidic Concoctions, Codename: Heart Shine, and Codename: Devil's Dance. I ask what their specialties are, Druidic tells me he's a plumber. No! I want to know about your COMBAT specialties. In unison that all go "Oh". Oh yeah, headquarters gave me a bunch of live ones here. I tell them never mind, and to go find their quarters.
Day 1 - 0400 hours.
I pull their files up on the computer and see that Druidic's strong point is engineering, he's apparently the MacGyver of the group. Good. A little ingenuity goes a long way around here.
Devil's Dance is a machine gunner. Good. He can take Not A Phase's place and let her get back to what she's really good at: explosives. Devil's Dance's profile says he's a real blood hound too.
Looks like Heart Shine is our field medic. Oh she's a trained killer mind you, but her dossier says she's got a soft spot for wounded teammates. Interesting. I wonder why they sent a medic to a team where if you die, they just bring you back to life? Probably cheaper to fix you up on the spot. Not me, if I'm gonna get hurt, I'm gonna take a shit load of bad guys w/me and make the Washington boys pick up the tab. yuk yuk.
My little review of the newbies is interrupted by the sound of machinery. Looks like the rest of the team is getting awakened. I walk in as they climb out of the tanks. Oh yeah, I can hear them complaining that the fluid in those tanks was freezing. The guys complaining about shrinkage and the gals complaining about diamond nipples tearing their towels apart.
As they see they start asking questions about why they're not dead, I hand them each a copy of the contracts they signed w/the government and tell them to read the really, really fine print at the bottom. Lessee here. Government work... license to kill... identity erased... their faces go blank as they read the line I directed them to. Sub-section 4 paragraph 2. "By the way, we own your ass, in life or death.". Welcome to the hereafter team!
I tell them all to get dressed, and meet me in the briefing room @ 0500. On the way to my quarters I get a message from a courier. I scan the report and my mind is racing by the time I finish it. Shit! I can't believe this could happen.
Day 1 - 0500 hours.
The team is gathered at the briefing room and appears to be in pretty good sprits. Well, this should take them down a bit. I tell them to listen up, a call came in about 12 hours ago that there has been a retaliatory strike against the agency. Apparently someone has leaked the names of some of the family members of some of the team members. It looks like the Holiday Coalition has hired an expert to bring the attack to us. It looks like Plohoie's, Not A Phase's, and Evil Pixie's surviving relatives have been found in their beds with their teeth taken out and a roll of Canadian pennies stuffed in their mouths. I see those three's eyes flare, but they keep their calm. It looks like the culprit is none other than the last survivor of the Pixus Dentus species, the Tooth Fairy. It's our mission to find her, subdue her, extract who hired her, and hit her w/a flyswatter on steroids. We leave at 0800. Get it together.
This is Ibidis (Codename: Mortem) saying, ah, she's probably saving us a fortune in dental costs anyway. yuk yuk. Chapter 3.
Day 1 - 2300 hours.
The team is scattered around the house lying in wait. This is the part of the business that Immortal Sin really hates, the waiting. If we're not killing something, and he's not allowed to talk about something, he gets really cranky. I'll have to keep him off the sugar for this mission. He damn near never recovered from Operation: Scrambled Eggs because of the sugar rush. He almost tore his room all to Hell.
We've been staked out at Ligeia's parents' house for the last 4 hours, hoping that the Tooth Fairy would strike here. This damned winged bitch is one of the best covert operatives in the world. No one has gotten more than a glimpse of her, and she has never been caught on camera. She supposedly can put a tooth out with a quarter at 500 yards in a high wind. That's pretty dangerous.
I glance over to Rohmer, the new communications officer. We took the communications task from Evil Pixie in favor of her new talent. Sniper! She apparently has had some prior experience at sniping, and she showed the talent, so I didn't ask questions. I signal Rohmer to give the silent "Report in" signal. All members report in "All quiet".
The parents have been in bed since 2000 hours. Who goes to bed at 8:00 anyway? Man I hate the desert at night! It's pretty freaking cold. I could get into my thermals, but I don't want to break silence. I've got a sneaking suspicion that tonight is the night that winged freak shows her face. I glance up the to top of the hill, looking for Evil Pixie. I can't see any sign of her, but I know she's there. She's waiting, with that friggin' sniper rifle trained on the house. She's apparently had some sort of fixation on killing the Tooth Fairy for a while now. Something about pulling her wings off or some such nonsense. Well, I hope she gets her chance.
I hear Ligeia give a heads up over the ear-comm, and we all start scanning the area. We've all got our weapons on silence, no sense in interrupting some nice old couple watching Leno next door. Not A Phase tells us to look by the South wall, she had seen some movement. We all focus on the darkness, looking for some signs of movement. Suddenly I see something, something fluttering. That must be the target. I hear the soft popping sounds coming from the hill as Evil Pixie opens fire and I see the wood paneling start to splinter in the side of the house. I finally get a good look at the flying thing, and I start signaling for Evil Pixie to stop. She's not paying any attention, her whole being is fixated on destroying this flying abomination. The rest of the team seems to grasp her mood and start firing at it. I eventually give the all stop signal and everyone ceases fire. I pull out my field glasses and confirm that it was not the Tooth Fairy, it was just a winged Barbie on a string. Damn! We've been tricked into giving away our position.
A horrible thought comes to me and I tell everyone to put down their face shields. As soon as mine snaps into place I hear a loud crack as a quarter imbeds itself in the clear plastic, just centimeters away from my mouth. That was close! You'll have to do better than that you dusty bitch! It look like some of the others weren't so fast. Jules and Not A Phase are down, holding their mouths. Where are these shots coming from? Why can't we see her? Waitaminute! She's got that damned magic dust! All right team, switch to infrared!
Sure enough, there she is, just floating around in plain sight. Happy as all get out. The first shot from Plohoie rips through her bottom left wings and a look of surprise crosses her face. She knows now she's been spotted. She starts flying around like crazy, trying to take evasive maneuvers. She flies in between the team members and I yell for everyone to watch the cross fire. Devil's Dance is following her flight path and is pointing that 60 cal. right at me! Oh shit! I flatten to the ground and wait for the thunder to end. I glance up and see him shrugging his shoulders with a sheepish grins on his face. Rookies!
We're looking all around the place to try and see the little minx, when Heart Shine gives a signal. She sees her. We look in the direction she indicates and see the Fairy hiding against a tree trying to blend in. Evil Pixie and Jules quickly get together and several seconds later, Jules crawls forward and takes careful aim w/her rocket launcher. I tell her we don't want the target dead yet. She tells me not to worry, and squeezes the trigger. The rocket launches towards the tree, racing in a streak of flame. The Fairy is caught by surprise and tries too late to get out of the way. The rocket explodes and a wave of Evil Pixie's ever-stick pixie dust crashes into the Tooth Fairy, fastening her securely to the tree. The team erupts in a cheer, and we all start to go forward to check on our prize.
We can see the diminutive Bee-aatch struggling against the mighty glittering adhesive to no avail. She see us approach and starts to watch us carefully. Immortal Sin hands Druidic Concoctions a camera and walks up next to ole' Toothsome with a fishing pole and poses like a fisherman who just caught a salmon, standing there pointing to the trapped legend. This apparently pisses off the Tooth Fairy and she manages to get her own bag out. I tell everyone to take cover, but it's too late. A muffled explosions sounds, a dust cloud envelops the team and we all start floating in the air. A friggin Tinkerbell grenade! And we fell for it! What a bone headed rookie mistake!
We're all helplessly rising in the air, and I look down to see the Tooth Fairy manage to rip herself off the tree and stumble away thru the nearby field. The tree bark still attached to her back appears to be preventing her from flying. She's getting away on foot though. Damn! We've got to find a way to get down. Druidic Concoctions starts rummaging around in his pack and pull outs a paper clip, a monofilament of wire, a vibrator, and a jar full of Jell-O. And what exactly are you planning to do with that!?! He explains his plan to run a temporary electric current thru the teams body to temporarily increase our density and weight and drop us to the ground.
He floats from person to person rubbing our hands in Jell-O, supposedly to increase the conductivity. The team manages to place ourselves over a swimming pool, that way when we land, we'll wash this crappy dust off us. We each grab a hold of the circle of wire and Druidic hooks both ends to the vibrator. He calls it a kinetic redirection unit, but I call 'em like I see 'em. He turns it on and the electric current courses thru us. Even if we wanted to let go, our hands are cramped around the wire. It's working! We slowly sink into the water and wash the fairy dust off us.
I immediately send Ligeia off to find the Fairy's trail. The rest of us do and equipment check and assemble at the edge of the field. Ligeia comes back and says that all she found was a handful of bark with the Fairy's skin attached. Looks like she ripped it off. Ouch! That had to hurt. I have Rohmer signal for the roving unit to pick us up and we return to base. Looks like this round goes to the Fairy.
Day 2 - 0600 hours.
We're back at base and everyone seems to be a bit agitated. No one likes to have a target get away. It looks like the team is trying to take a break and watch some music videos, Looks like Carol in Bondage is on again. Can't get enough of those guys. I go and sit down in front of the security monitors and scan thru the complex, looking for some food. I look and see that the lab boys are still asleep in bed. That's unusual, they're always the first ones up. I zoom in the camera and see that they're lying in a pool of blood w/a roll of pesos stuck in their mouths. Omigod! She's here! She's in the base!
This is Ibidis (Codename: Mortem) saying, just like a fairy to always use a roll of worthless money! yuk yuk. Chapter 4.
Day 2 - 0615 hours.
That damned Fairy must have been hiding out in the field, waiting for us to land the transport so she could hitch a ride. We're going to have to do a systematic search of this base, one room at a time to find her.
I get on the intercom and set out the scramble signal. With that signal the team knows to gather at the training room in full combat gear. That way I don't have to tell the "intruder" where we're going. I log on to the main computer and tell it to do a base wide intruder search, scanning all available bands. Nothing. I wonder if she just hit the one time and fled, just to mess w/us. Yeah right, and maybe size really doesn't matter!
I get my gear and head to the training room. The team is already assembled, except for Heart Shine and Devil's Dance. Oh Hell. They haven't been w/the team long enough to know where to meet for a scramble signal. It's just blind luck that Druidic Concoctions was already here working on some crazy invention. I check my weapon, then my gun, and then tell Ligeia and Plohoie Debushka to go out on a search for our missing newbies. Druidic Concoctions tells them to wait, and quickly straps some type of gadgets to the side of their boots. Apparently they are some type of hyper-grav units. If they get dusted just hit the switch and they'll be dropped back to earth.
They take off down the hallway. I tell Rohmer to stay in full contact w/them. I hear the distant sound of gunfire. Rohmer get on the comm and tells me it wasn't Ligeia or Plohoie that was shooting. I then hear the sound of the 60 cal. going off. Devil's Dance is gonna blow us all to Hell if he keeps firing that beast off indoors.
A few minutes pass before Ligeia says that she's found Heart Shine. Apparently she had fired at the Fairy, but was all right. They are going to continue to look for Devil's Dance. I ask Not A Phase to set up some type of traps here to give us a protected area to operate in. She starts to set up motion sensor triggered stun mines all over every entrance to the room. I get word from Ligeia that Plohoie had found Devil's Dance, unconscious, but otherwise fine. Good. I tell them to make sure not to forget the 60 cal. and get back here ASAP. I tell Not A Phase not to forget to trap the air duct. I bet that's how the oversized fly is moving around the joint. Ligeia, Heart Shine, and Plohoie carry Devil's Dance thru the door and Not A Phase sets the motion trigger after them.
We all clear back to the center of the immense room to get clear of any explosion. I have Heart Shine look at Devil's Dance to make sure he's all right. Immortal Sin wants to set up a few Joke grenades along the rooms perimeter, but I tell him we don't have the distance for us to withstand such an assault. Heart Shine revives Devil's Dance by closing his mouth and pinching his nose together. He wakes up gasping. Where'd you learn that? Med. School? Nope, third grade. Oh.
Devil's Dance is looking a bit groggy. I ask him what happened. He says that all he remembers is the Fairy appearing in the door way, he jumped off the commode, ran w/his pants around his ankles to get his gun, he shot off some rounds, and then a blast of dust hit him in the face. Next thing he knew, he was in the room w/us. Jules asks Ligeia if they found him w/his pants down. She says no. We all turn and stare at Devil's Dance. He looks at us and says, What? We all, in unison, indicate towards his crotch. He turns pale and starts to convulse. No. He's not convulsing, he keeps thrusting his crotch forward. No, something is thrusting for him! Something's about to burst free. This is the first time I've been on this side when this happens.
Suddenly he yells and the fly of his pants shoots open and the Tooth Fairy bursts free. This is like that movie. She quickly throws some fairy dust on Devil's Dance's underwear, and whoosh! He's suddenly hurtling towards the ceiling crotch first! Oooh, this is gonna hurt. Klang! We hear him emit a high pitched wail, but he should be safe for now.
The team switches back to infrared and tracks the fairy. We don't want to fire too much in these close quarters, but if we can force her into one of the mines fields that would do it. Give it up Fairy! There's no escape! The Tooth Fairy lands on the ground 30 feet in front of us and smiles. At least I think it was a smile. She is only 6" tall after all. She squeaks something that sounds like, No escape for you maybe. Then she starts growing. I mean really growing. She's changing shape. She's turned into some hideous, winged, fanged, clawed, monster standing about 20 feet tall. The creature looks at me and says, You calling me a FAIRY?!?! This is not good.
I tell the team to fan out. Remember we want her alive. Plohoie start firing her rifle at the knees of the creature. It seems to be having no effect. Ligeia dives under the creature and attacks it from behind. Firing at the same leg. The creature's tail swats her into a wall, and Heart Shine sprints to her aid. The Fairy monster turns and looks in their direction, oblivious to the rest of us. Our bullets aren't getting it's attention. We've got to get it away from them.
Immortal Sin starts taunting the creature, giving it the best he's got. He's not the flame-thrower on the team for no reason, folks. He's got the flame unit turned towards it, but the rest of us don't want to be fried, so he can't use it. It's working, The creature is looking at Immortal Sin. Jules has the 60 cal. now and is pumping round at the beast. Nothing. Damn! How can we ever get this thing? The stun mines have us effectively trapped.
Druidic Concoctions and Heart Shine come to me and say they've got a plan. Immortal Sin keeps the monster distracted while I listen to the quick explanation and agree. First things first, to get this bad boy to our level. The team fits itself with ear plugs and Rohmer sets the comm unit to a high pitch squeal. The monster throws it's head back roaring.
Ligeia and Jules hit the switches on the backs of their gloves and razor sharp blades extend from their fingertips. They drop to all fours and crawl slowly towards the creature. Trying not to get it's notice. Suddenly they burst forth, skittering along the ground. They get to the creature's leg and both of them turn into a whirlwind of motion, slicing open the creature's leg. The patented Iguana maneuver! We've got a wound folks.
Not A Phase takes her explosive compound and places it on this device that Druidic has made to get it to the creatures leg. Is that a paper airplane w/a needle on the front of it? He looks at me and says, no of course not! Hmmmm. He launches the "plane" and it strikes it's target, right in the open wound. Ligeia and Jules scatter like lizards. Now to detonate! Evil Pixie fires a perfect shot into the explosive. The room reverberates w/a deafening boom, and the creature's knee explodes in a splatter of gore. It drops to the ground screaming.
Plohoie and I rush forward and jam our rifles into the creatures jaw hinge. Effectively holding it's mouth open. Heart Shine fires a syringe full of tranquilizer into the creature's mouth. The creature looks balefully at us and then drops it's head, eyes closed, with a loud thump. Whew! That was way too intimate for my liking.
I tell Pixie to fly up there and get Devil's Dance. As she activates her winged backpack and launches herself in the air. The creature suddenly tries to rear up in the air. Dammit! All right, we've got to cut our losses. I give Jules the go ahead and she takes aim w/her rocket launcher. Wait until Pixie and Devil are clear! There, she's got him. Fire! The rocket launches into the creatures still open maw and the explosion sends it's pink hide all over the floor. Anyone for Fairy kebobs? Yeeaaahhh! It's a shame we couldn't capture her alive, though.
Suddenly the stun mine by the air vent goes off and we see the unconscious form of the Tooth Fairy fall to the ground. That monster wasn't even her?!? She must have conjured it. We've got her. Time for the torture.
Day 2 - 1200 hours.
The briefing room is buzzing. It seems the Tooth Fairy wasn't going to tell us anything about the Holiday Coalition until Evil Pixie started pulling her wings off. Seems she offered us enough quarters to do laundry for 100 years if we'd just let her go. No dice, baby! She spilled the beans about the location of the Holiday Coalition's meeting place. ... Pot O' Gold Island. A rock about 20 miles east of Ireland. It's protected by the best guardians in the world, The Leprechauns. She said that she didn't know when the next meeting would be, but that Pot O' Gold Island had what we really wanted: the locations of the home bases for all the Holiday Coalition members.
With that list, we could wipe out the propaganda mongers one at a time: Father Time & the New Year's Baby, The Groundhog, The Mother's Day Mummies, The Firecracker 4, and all the others. Our mission is simple, to infiltrate Pot O' Gold Island, extract the information for the Holiday Coalition homebases and destroy the island.
This is Ibidis Mortem saying, coming up next, Operation: Lucky Charms. © 1998 C A Lutke