Tales of the AICEFF
Operation: Chestnuts Roasting

Chapter 1.

Article in the paper:...

"The world is quaking in fear this day! Yes, that's right the world is awash in the mind numbing terror that will have the population looking over their shoulders. Is it a new cult? A new serial killer? A war brought on by political strife? I say thee nay! It is the thing we have come to embrace as part of our culture, it is the thing we have let into our houses, by our own invitation. It is the thing that has warped the minds of our youth and ripped the foundations of belief from our adult consciousness. Yes, I'm talking about the Red Menace, Santa Claus! He goes by many names in many cultures, but he'll always strike close to our hearts here in America as Santa. A jolly, lovable, laughing, good hearted person, or so he seems from the outside. A benevolent spirit to guide us through the rigors that are the Christmas season. If you look closer, though, you'll see what the rest of the world now knows. That this Kringle person is nothing but a manipulator of the highest order, a charlatan content in his belief that we'll never strike against him: the icon of the holidays. Centuries of belief in goodness is what he uses to topple our souls into his black depths. Those eyes we thought were so crinkled up in jolliness not so long ago? They are, in reality, narrowed in disgust and contempt as he hides his true motives from the world. He has been bombarding the world for decades now with his Christmas propaganda, and uses it to his fullest extent to steal a bit of all of our souls with his "gifts" made by his "elves". Now we know that with each gift, he has tied another string to ourselves, and someday soon we will hear that call he will send forth and we will be helpless to resist his commands. Even those who had no belief in Santa Claus are not immune to this menace, for you will be the first people to be subjugated under his regime. We have received notice that "Satan Claws", as he has been dubbed by the resistance, will launch his call and attack this Yule season when thoughts of love for him are at their crest......" (end of article)

This was the article that cued the world in, and forced it to launch the attack against Kris Kringle. Something had to be done. This is the story of that offensive and it's dire repercussions. This is Ibidis (Codename: Mortem) saying, wait for the next installment. Hoo-ha!

Chapter 2.

The wind was whipping thru my parka as I looked out of the cargo bay door of the plane flying over the arctic circle. Our destination: The North pole. Oh man, I can't believe we're attacking Santa. Wait! Stow that thought away, mister!

These thoughts had been coming unbidden to me for the many hours that the flight had taken. I wondered if the other man were going thru the same emotional struggle. If so, how could we ever stand up to Santa's hordes if we couldn't even bring ourselves to fire back? I couldn't help thinking about the train set he brought me 20 years ago, when my parent's had no money. What a delight! Stop it, goddammit! Quit thinking about toys! Think about the mission. Focus.

Here we were, a squad of the finest trained soldiers in the world, going to meet up with the other troops and destroy the Red Menace, Satan Claws. Up, we is a gonna warm up the North Pole tonight. I looked around the cargo hold and surveyed the rest of the crew, the one's I knew anyway. Each was only known by their code names. Very few ever knew each other's real name.

Ligeia - She looked all geared up and ready to kill. She was hating this cold weather, being from a warm climate. I knew it and she flashed her Bills badge at me to try and get my goat. She was scout for the group and I'm sure she wasn't looking forward to being the first one into Toyland.

Jules was there, always a bit reserved and mysterious before a battle, she was one of the fiercest of the fighters when it was all on the line. She had to be provoked though, and I wasn't sure if Santa's troops could do that.

Not A Phase looked around the room as well. She was the work-a-holic machine gunner that never rested, never stopped until the mission was accomplished. Yup, there was one you liked to have on your side. As long as her helmet didn't slip over her head again like in the last mission, a bad thing to have happen when you're firing an M-60. Lost some good men that day.

Immortal Sin was polishing his gun barrel and keeping the troops entertained w/some of his non-stop jokes. Trying to keep their mind off of what they were about to do. Maybe he'll knock off a lot more of Santa's creatures if he tells them a joke, it sure worked on the Easter Bunny's guys. Dropped 'em dead w/o firing a shot. He got a silver bucket award for that one, of course he lost it later. We won't get into that.

There was 2nd Coming watching the goings on w/no interest. He was only wanting to get down there and whip some Yule-tide butt. He was a fighting dynamo w/o rhyme nor reason, just point him towards a target and it would be obliterated. We always had to watch him to make sure he wasn't chewing someone's tent again.

Rohmer was there eating again! Damn! Where did that woman put it?

Zusi was yacking into her comm-unit again. I don't think they could have put a better person in charge of communications. Never stops talking when you get her started.

A subtle change in the engine speed brought me back to the mission and I looked down and saw that we were descending. Show Time! This time there are no prisoners. The plane touched down and we all spread out in a protective pattern until the plane could take back off to circle until we called in a "mission accomplished". Ligeia took off on point, eyes scanning the snowy landscape. The rest of us followed, with myself forming rear guard.

A few hours later, a silent signal went down the ranks indicating that she had seen our objective, Toyland, the House Of Kringle. We crept forward into visual range and saw the innocent looking facade of this "magical" place. We knew the horrors that lay w/in, though.

A sharp shriek was all the warning I had before the ground erupted around us. Shards of shrapnel, ice, and rock lacerated into our bloody ranks. Moments later, my vision finally cleared enough to view the damage. We had lost almost our entire unit! Only a handful of us were left, and most of them wounded. This isn't starting off well. This is Ibidis (Codename: Mortem) saying, how do you keep a reader in suspense? Tell ya later. yuk yuk.

Chapter 3.

The cries of the wounded filled the air as we saw the doors to Santa's lair open and out rushed 9 reindeer. These weren't ordinary reindeer, these had their eyes of steel and were armed to the teeth. They pulled a surprise maneuver, though, and all gathered together on the right side of the compound. They were quickly followed by the elven marauders in countless numbers. It was like a scene from "Under the Rainbow" a flood of spear waving shorties screaming for blood.

They were only a few hundred yards away when Not a Phase opened up w/her machine gun. The front ranks of the elven erupted in a sea of blood. Wait, that's not blood! The elves are filled w/red koosh balls! What kind of horrors are these?!? The troops all opened fire into the ranks. Wave after wave of koosh balls shot into the air as the elves exploded. I quickly calculated that we wouldn't have enough ammo to destroy these abominations. I gave the order to charge the entrance.

That's all 2nd Coming needed, he charged the ranks, guns blazing and whirling like a crazed Tasmanian devil. The elves shied back from his attack, and he began to cut a path thru the horde. I looked to gather the troops to follow his initiative and noticed the Zusi was gone!

I scanned around and found her heading towards the reindeer w/a dreamy expression on her face. I looked at the reindeer and what they were doing, and a sense of horror came over me. They were kicking a ball around between them. No! Zusi, don't go to them, don't play their reindeer games! It was too late, the reindeer disappeared into the fog, and then Zusi followed. A delighted cry issued forth from the fog, followed by a blood curdling scream.

Jules heard this and rushed towards the fog, Hell bent on vengeance. I shouted at her that we couldn't see the reindeer anymore, it was useless, but she stopped about 30 yards from the fog and took careful aim w/her rocket launcher. What is she aiming at? Wait! A faint glow in the fog. It's Rudolph's nose! Jules launched her weapon at the fog and the explosion enveloped the light. Take that you landing light nosed bastard! Suddenly I saw the sled the reindeer had been pulling fall from the sky, blown into the air by the explosion. Jules didn't see it! I shouted to her, but she just turned and looked at me, and calmly walked my way until the sled crushed her from above. No! I can't think on it. I must continue the attack.

I looked back to the battlefield, 2nd Coming was being overwhelmed by the numbers, he needed help. I took a tub of peanut butter and threw it into the air above the elves and shot it w/my rifle. It exploded peanut butter all over the ranks of elves. Rohmer saw this and proceeded to drop her rifle and began eating the elves at a breakneck pace. This gal's got the munchies! This terrified the elves and they began to retreat for the keep.

I saw 2nd Coming bow under the tide of bodies, No! How could they get him? I looked at the body of an elf and saw that they were armed w/whiffle spears. Whiffle spears? How could they expect to hurt anybody w/those? I got to where 2nd Coming had fallen and saw that he had fallen into a pit of sharpened pogo sticks, what a grizzly sight.

I heard a pop behind me and I turned to see where Rohmer had been. Not A Phase turned to me with a blank face and said "She ate too many elves and exploded!" What!?! What kind of Hell hole is this place? This is too surreal! Only Ligeia, Not a Phase and I were left!

Us three survivors lined up and charged the castle. We had gained the entrance! The elves were falling back before us! Suddenly the wall exploded next to me and 3 people stepped out with Russian insignias led by Plohoie Debushka! The Russian's have made it! Good. Now we'll take this fortress together!

We withstood the charge of the remote controlled planes and the attack of the sucker dart guns. Now we're being super soaked from the arrow slits in the hallways. What next? Suddenly I took a step forward and heard a click. Oh God, no! Then I felt a mind numbing burst of pain. A nerf crotch missile mine! I collapsed to the ground in a heap. I instructed the others to go on. The only way to stop Kringle was to sacrifice ourselves and blow the bastard up directly. I knew the whole place would go, but there was no alternative. Grim faced they strode forth. Once more unto the breach.

I sit here now talking into this recorder, hoping that this record of these events will survive so that mankind will not let this evil rise again. I hear gunfire in the distance. They must be close. There's not much time. This recorder is armored so if anyone gets this, tell the story, make sure the world knows! This is Ibidis Mortem saying, I hate the holidays. .....

The destruction of Toyland was a success w/no survivors left for either side. This tape was found when the brave souls of the evac team sifted through the wreckage. Here's hoping the world will learn the lesson and realize that, it was your PARENTS all along! There is no Santa! Ha! This is Ibidis Brokaw reporting saying, All right I'm reporting to the psychiatrist tomorrow! yuk yuk.

©   1997   C A Lutke

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