Tales of the AICEFF
Operation: Scrambled Eggs
It's a new crew we have gathered here. Nobody really knows much of anyone. We're just all a bunch of highly trained specialists gathered together to take down a target that we don't even know. I hate these missions like this, where you are eliminating an unknown objective. My name is Ibidis (Codename: Mortem), it my job to keep these trained killers on the straight and narrow and accomplish the mission. We've been in this submarine for days now and the pressure is getting to everyone. No amount of training can prepare you for sitting in a tin can for days listening to everyone complaining about everyone complaining. The only diversion available in this unit is the new guy Codename: Immortal Sin. His non-stop jokes have been bombarding the team and crew for hour after hour. I've headed off a couple of plots to have him blown out the torpedo tube by the sub crew. I guess the swabbies just don't have an appreciation for bad jokes like our unit does. Some of the guys have taken to calling him the Immortal Jester, but I don't think the name will stick.
There's Codename: Ligeia here. She just seems to be content to watch everyone and chime in her thoughts when necessary. From what I understand about her it that she used to live up in the desert by the Indian reservations and is able to track a fly in a snowstorm. From what I heard, she was crazy enough to try, it took the EMT's 3 hours to thaw her out and pry the insect out of her hands. Too much pride in her work if you ask me.
Then there's Karen (Codename: Suicide*Blonde). She apparently had a history w/some rock star until he pissed her off and now she had to have a total face restructure to that she wouldn't be recognized by anyone in this low profile profession. No one is quite sure what her previous profession was, but she insisted on carrying the dual grenade launchers. Something about having the biggest guns.
Up in the galley Matt (Codename: 2nd Coming) is arguing about something w/the cook. I think the cook's the only member of the sub crew he hasn't managed to piss off. Apparently 2nd Coming likes to use knives and is a master of disguise. Some people have theorized that he has multiple personalities. His psyche profile doesn't seem to suggest anything, but who believes doctors anyway? He's fave tactic is to disguise himself as an enemy trooper and go Tasmanian on their ass from behind. Brutal, but effective.
There was Codename: Not A Phase sharpening her boot knife. Of all the people here she seemed to resent having to work these long hours more that any of us. I think she secretly likes the action, but she's a ticking time bomb if you ask me. Sometimes, if you're standing close enough to her, you can hear her ticking. (tick...tick...tick) Pretty creepy if you ask me. Sounds like Cap'n Hook setting an alarm clock. All it's gonna take is one irritating person to get her a-pumping those 60 mm rounds into them. I hope I'm standing behind her when it happens.
Jules (Codename: Shroedinger's Cat) was jumping up and down, ready for action. She was a former mercenary who'd been w/o a mission for a while and now that she was hired on, she was ready to attack. According to her, the planets were aligned, or some such, to plot for total annihilation. I figured that a little planetary support never hurt anyone.
Codename: Rohmer was checking out the galley. Her head stuck in the fridge, as usual. She was taking advantage of 2nd Coming's argument w/the cook to get in some quick fight-fuel. Her bio had her mistakenly labeled as a man. I'm gonna have to talk to the personnel people about this. That's the third one this year! .....
My scanning of the team came to an abrupt halt as the dive alarm sounded. We were getting close to the surface. Time for action. Tuck in that shirt, Suicide*Blonde! Get that turkey leg out of your mouth Rohmer! Get that bra off your head Immortal Sin! Somebody wake up Evil Pixie! Stop scowling at me Shroedinger's Cat! Stop smiling at me Ligeia! Stop giving me that neutral look Not A Phase! Stop not looking at me 2nd Coming! It's time for action! We surface on the water and the transmission comes in from the homebase. It appears they're gonna give us our target. My brow furrows as I decipher the message. A cold sweat breaks out on my forehead and a chill runs down my back as our target is made clear. I quickly burn the paper. The captain signals land ho, and we all go topside to depart into the ocean to swim for land. The others don't see the strange figures on the shore of the beach we're swimming towards, but I know what they are, and they will soon. They're the heads of statues buried in the earth. We're swimming towards Easter Island. There the Easter bunny awaits. This is Ibidis Mortem saying, stay tuned for more of Operation: Scrambled Eggs. yuk yuk.
The crew seemed to be loose as we hit the beach. Everyone did a quick equipment check and signaled OK. I checked my own equipment, (Hanging a bit left) and gave a signal for everyone to gather around. I told them of our objective. The absolute destruction of the Easter bunny. No quarter asked or given, no mercy. We didn't know much about any help the Easter bunny might have, but he usually worked alone. He'd been on this island for centuries now, and he's sure to have it trapped for the unwary. We were to proceed w/all caution. The whole crew turned and looked at Ligeia. Man it must suck to be a scout. I hope she's got her Avoid Deep Shit Badge. She set off on a recon around the forest edge while the rest of us loaded up. I had my usual bag of tricks set to go in case of the unexpected. It also contained my secret weapon, but I won't get into that. The we set off in a nice 2 X 2 line into the forest where Ligeia indicated. Zusi (Codename: Evil Pixie) was frolicking in the forest like she was on a vacation. She wasn't making any noise, though. Just marking our trail w/some of her patented ever-stick pixie dust. I know it's permanent, I saw her husband, Codename: Methos, before the "accident" and he claimed he had the stuff stuck in places where stuff ain't supposed to stick. I warned her to watch out for the winds when she put that stuff down. That's the last thing we need is a whole troop full of twinkling soldiers.
A silent signal from Ligeia quieted the troops and we came to a halt. A soft cheeping could be heard coming from the underbrush about 20 yards ahead. Coming out cautiously from the bushes came a small baby chick. I kept scanning the surroundings for any signs of danger, but there was only this chick. Suicide*Blond crept up to it and picked it up. She turned back to us and said the it was quite soft and there was nothing to fear. Just when we started to relax, the chick exploded in a ball of mush. No wait, marshmallow! My God! A marshmallow chick bomb! We looked for Suicide Blonde and spotted her tangled in a pile of marshmallow in the bushes ahead. She was unconscious, but seemed otherwise unhurt. We had no time to free her, and she seemed fairly well protected in the marshmallow cocoon, so we pushed on. The first victim of the deceptive traps here on Easter island. Dastardly! I told the troops that no one picks up any more candy.
We came to a ledge that we skirted around and then I heard a gasp to the front. I turned and looked to the left and saw... an entire field full of Cadbury cream eggs! Wow! The old craving for the candies from my childhood came back to me, but I marshaled my will to resist. I thought of the biggest sweet tooth in the pack and remembered 2nd Coming, who was always on a sugar rush. Suddenly he broke from the pack and sprinted down the fields edge. He made it to the first row and grabbed a handful of the eggs. We scanned the edge to look for traps, but saw none. Then, a rustling in the egg field. Thousands of chocolate rabbits! I instructed the troop to go to flame units and we set fire to the infernal dark sweet monstrosities. Shroedinger's Cat was launching rockets into the midst of the field, eliminating the temptation for more eggs. The rabbits were nothing but sludge now.
We turned back to the path, but unbeknownst to me, 2nd Coming stayed behind to savor his eggs. I heard a slurping sound from behind and we all turned to see.... OmiGod! The rabbits had formed on huge hollow rabbit with evil read candy eyes and a whirling bow tie of death. One step and 2nd coming had been enveloped in it's cavernous center and we could hear his hollow thumps from inside. Not A Phase fired a tight stitching of bullets into the creatures neck, effectively severing it's head. It toppled over and shattered into a hundred pieces. We found 2nd Coming's body covered in chocolate lacerations so we left him to recuperate on the hillside and we continued on. Two down already and we're not even sure where this monstrosity is. This is not boding well. This is Ibidis Mortem saying, the eternal story continues same Mort time, same Mort channel.
We, the AICEFF (Codename: Delores In Bondage), had been traveling thru this god forsaken forest for hours and night was approaching. The last thing I wanted to do was attempt to travel thru unknown territory like this w/all it's hidden dangers, so we made camp. I instructed Evil Pixie to get on the horn and contact base while Immortal Sin set the mines and trip wires around the camp perimeter. I knew he'd set something particularly nasty up for the unwary attacker. While he was setting up, Ligeia set out on a recon and Not A Phase began to set a fire. I told her that we wanted to make a fire, not set a fire, so she dug out a fire pit. I thought to myself secretly that it might not be a bad idea to burn this place to the dirt, but then we'd have no way of knowing if the target would be eliminated.
Evil Pixie reported back that there was too much interference and it seemed that the frequency band had been disrupted by some type of blockade. I hesitantly looked up into the sky and noticed that there was a distinct absence of stars. In fact there wasn't any moon either. I thought that maybe a cloud cover had rolled in, but I had no sense of inclement weather. I grabbed Shroedinger's Cat's spotlight and shined it up in the sky. Holy Shit! What a horrifying sight! It was an impenetrable weave of that fake green plastic grass that goes in an Easter basket! No wonder communications were impossible. How long had we been in this mess? I never even saw it rise up. Well, there's nothing much to do about it.
Ligeia came in from her recon and reported that the forest cleared about 15,000 meters ahead, but it was too dark to make anything out w/o revealing herself. I warned her not to do that for certain. Who knows what kind of perverted thoughts go thru the Easter bunny's mind? Never, ever, expose yourself to a cultural icon, I don't care how cute they are. We settled down for a few hours rest. Shroedinger's Cat volunteered for first watch and I closed my eyes for some sleep. ....
A touch on my arm awakened me and I saw Shroedinger's Cat staring out into the woods. She said that she thought she had heard something. I sat up and grabbed my rifle. I heard the distinct snap of a trip wire going off in the woods and a disembodied voice start saying, "A guy walks into a bar...." The rest trailed off into mumbling and then finally ceased. A few seconds later, laughter erupted from 3 sides. Immortal Sin had set a joke grenade! That was good thinking, now the enemy had given away it's position. The team concentrated fire on the areas of laughter and cut the trees to ribbons.
Ligeia set out for recon and reported back that 6 enemies were destroyed, and 2 others were heading away thru the forest. I told her to leave them alone. I inspected the bodies of the creatures. Ha! I was wondering when these guys would show up. Some of those 7 foot tall bunnies that infest the shopping mall during Easter season. Glad to see these guys go. It's good thing they have a bad sense of humor, or we could have been caught unawares.
The rest of the night passed w/o incident. The next day we set out on the trail that the bunnies had left. We reached the clearing that Ligeia spoke of and notice that it was a plain of broken eggs. Aw man! I hate having walking on egg shells around everyone! We're never gonna sneak up on anyone making all this racket.
After walking a few noisy hours, we had reached the bodies of the bunnies from the night before. Their mouths were still twisted in that hysterical laughter smile. They were like fur covered Jokers. Rohmer proceeded to take out her knife and strip the fur off of one of the corpses. She cut it into 2 X 2 shreds and wrapped them around her boot soles. She took a few steps on the egg shells and it muffled the noise! We all followed suit and w/in minutes we were walking along like pink fur footed ninjas thru the plain.
We saw our objective up ahead. The Incubator of Woe! The impenetrable fortress the Easter bunny hatched his schemes in. How are we going to get close when were are exposed out in the open like this? And this after I gave that speech about exposure the night before.
Suddenly the ground gave way beneath Not A Phase and she began screaming! Only half her torso remained above ground and she was thrashing about wildly. We tried to pull her our, but she was stuck and was wailing so hysterically we couldn't get her to even notice we were there. I took out my emergency shovel and began to dig out the dirt in front of her. Soon I had punched thru a hole in the ground and saw that some type of cute feathered chicks had gotten Not A Phase's boots off and were tickling her feet with their feather tips. Those bastards! When they saw me they fled back thru the tunnel, but not before Evil Pixie fried them with a flame thrower burst. Great! Now it smells like KFC around here. I looked Rohmer in the eye and told her that there was to be no eating of the wildlife. Remember what happened to 2nd Coming?
Not A Phase had her boots back on and an evil glint in her teary eyes. This tunnel must lead directly to the Incubator. We had found our way into the dastardly hot and moist hatchery of death. Now it's payback time! This is Ibidis (Codename: Mortem) saying, tune in next time when our heroes slide thru the bad peoples tunnels into their hot, moist caverns of whoa!... I mean woe! yuk yuk
The tunnel was a bit cramped as we all came down inside. There was enough room for a person to stand up as long as they were hunched over. Since there was only room for 1 person at a time, we switched the normal marching order to let Not A Phase go first. Her machine gun gave her the most firepower allowable in this tunnel. No grenades or rockets could be used in case we came into trouble. Ligeia switched to the rear guard so she could drop back and check our tail when necessary.
We were in this tunnel for what seemed like forever when Ligeia came up behind me and told me we were being followed. I told the rest of the crew to continue on while Ligeia and I looked behind us. Ligeia said she didn't know what was back there only that it was big. Big!?! How could anything big fit in here?
We waited for a minute and listened to the constant rumbling coming from down the tunnel grow louder. What the Hell could it be? I throw on the night goggles and see... Ummm, this can't be real! A 5 ft wide (and God only know how long) gummy worm! It's devouring everything in it's path, and it's coming down the tunnel faster than we could ever move. I send a couple of concussion grenades down the tunnel and they explode! The explosion damn near killing us in the back blast, but it has effectively sealed the tunnel. No. Hold on a second. The gelatinous monster just ate it's way through! That's it we're done for.
Ligeia is pumping bullets into it, but it does nothing to stop it. Waitaminute! It eats everything? That's it! I throw on my gas mask and I reach into my bag of goodies and pull out... my ex-girlfriend's meatloaf. Putrid stuff man! I hurl it down the tunnel as far as I can and the worm devours it. It starts to immediately shudder and slow down. It's only about 20 ft away when it finally stops and just sits there wiggling. In agony, I would guess. I would know, I've almost eaten the stuff myself.
I look over at Ligeia, and she has passed out! What!?! Oh Hell, I forgot to tell her to put on her mask before I pulled out that vile entree. No one can stand up to that stuff unprotected! I gather her up over my back and get ready to walk down the tunnel when suddenly the worm explodes in a wave of gummy substance!
It's like a tidal wave as it hurls us down the tunnel.
I'm on the comm unit, screaming my head off for the team to prepare themselves, but I wasn't sure I was getting through. We were pushed along for a matter of minutes until suddenly we were free falling into a large cavern! This is gonna hurt! I feel myself strike some type of doughy substance an it stops our fall. More marshmallow! Talk about out of the S'more and into the fire! I was effectively pinned in the goo until I felt some ropes tie around my feet and pull me free.
It looks like the team made it down by the ropes and set up a secured area. I began the arduous task of scraping marshmallow off myself while the team revived Ligeia. It looks like we fell into a huge marshmallow egg that is being liquefied and sent down some type of tunnel. Once the team is ready, we start down the tunnel, following the marshmallow stream. The tunnel opens into a missile silo, and the stream of goo is being funneled into a warhead. This is the confirmation we needed! That damned bunny is planning a full scale goop strike on the U.S. We've got to find him and neutralize him.
I hear a skittering from the edge of the silo and a bunny in a lab coat sees us and begins to hops away. Schrodinger's Cat is on him in a flash and puts a nifty sweep kick on it and drops it. This rabbit's no loser, though, and it puts up a helluva fight. It leaps for her throat and if it wasn't for her body armor, she might have been toast. That rabbit's dynamite! She gets a nerve pinch on the beastie and puts it into submission. We've got a prisoner to interrogate! Now how do we get it to tell us where the Easter Bunny is?
Rohmer steps forward and starts to pluck the hairs off it's underbelly, one at a time. The rabbit just glares at her. Not A Phase comes up and put little lacerations all over it w/her boot knife. The rabbit begins to laugh. This one's gonna be tough. That's when Ligeia comes forward. She's chewing gum?!? She takes the gum from her mouth and threatens to rub it into the rabbit's fur. Oh man, does that rabbit start talkin'! We find out the location of the main incubator where the Easter bunny stays. Immortal Sin ties the rabbit up, and we move out.
We travel thru the complex until we reach the service ducts that should lead us where we want to go. Suddenly we see some small billy goats up ahead. One of them see us and hits the alarm button. A trap door opens up beneath us, and we slide down about 30 feet 'til we hit the ground. Damn! We'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!
Not A Phase taps me on the shoulder and we look around. A thousand sets of rabbit eyes stare back at us as we look around. There, up high on his throne, sits the Easter Bunny! He calmly looks at us and commands his legions to kill! Aw, Hell. This is gonna be rough! This is Ibidis ((Codename: Mortem)) saying, stay tuned for the explosive conclusion.
The rabid, vicious eyes of the rabbit monsters were mindless in their veracity. They weren't moving into any type of organized attack formation. Doesn't look like they're the brightest foot soldiers in the world. When you outnumber your opponent 100 to 1, it really doesn't matter though. Besides, they've got 4 rabbit's feet per rabbit. That's a lot of luck to counteract.
Waitaminute! Not very bright!?! That might give us the chance we need. I have Not A Phase, Schrodinger's Cat, Ligeia, Evil Pixie, and Rohmer form a defense pattern with the flame-throwers while I get Immortal Sin to reach into his backpack for his megaphone. I tell him to do his worst, but make sure it is bad and extremely stupid. That way they'll understand. I gave the signal for the other's to put in their earplugs while I dug into my bag of goodies.
Immortal Sin began yelling some joke out on his megaphone. Lucky thing the team was protected. The rabbits stalking outside of the flame circle began to slow and listen to his words booming thru the hall. Success! They'll never withstand Immortal Sin at his worst. I glanced up at the Easter bunny and saw his concentration in avoiding the punch line. He was singing "I'm Henry the VIII I Am" to himself. He's a smart bastard! I was waiting for my cue to act.
Suddenly Immortal Sin tells his punch line. The rabbits' eyes get wide and then, on cue, a massive groan escapes them all, they make a gagging sound and they fell over dead. Wait! There's about 100 left. The hard of hearing ones! Blast! Time for plan B.
I pulled the Energizer Bunny toy from my bag of tricks and hurl it towards the door. It hit the ground and began drumming it's way out the exit. The rabbit's were intoxicated by it's rhythmic drumming and began to follow in a mindless delirium.
As a whole, the team turned to face the last remaining nemesis, the Easter Bunny himself. The egg-toting sonofabitch began to back away slowly. Schrodinger's Cat fires a rocket towards his throne. He just laughed as he punched a button the launched a patriot interceptor egg that intercepts the rocket and causes it to explode before impact. He rattled off some speech about destroying the world and punched his doomsday button. All of the missiles in the silos are going to launch! He turns and jumps down an escape tube behind the throne. Ligeia takes off after him before I could blink, and the tunnel seals behind her. Damn! We've got to stop the launch. How? How?
We take off towards the silos desperately looking for a way to stop the marshmallowing of the world. Upon arrival we see that the warheads are being shut and primed for launch. We've only got a few minutes left! Evil Pixie grabs my sleeve and points up. There we see the enormous egg that the infernal rabbit had been trying to incubate. An idea occurs to me, but we need to get a massive amount of explosives up there on that egg and crack it's shell. Immortal Sin quickly arranges an explosive pack while Rohmer sets up a primer charge. Not A Phase keeps the engineer rabbits hiding behind cover with some bullet stitching so they couldn't activate the defense measures. Well, now we've got the charge, how do we get it up there?
Evil Pixie grins and hits a switch on her backpack. A set of pixie wings spread out from the pack and she grabs the charge and fires up her jet engines. She soars up to the egg and fastens it in place w/her ever-stick pixie dust. Well whaddya know!? The stuff actually came in handy. Well, handier, anyway. She glides back down to the bottom. Schrodinger's Cat fires a rocket. As it approaches the egg, I carefully line up a shot thru my long range rifle and the two of them ignite the charge! The explosion cracks the egg just as the missiles begin to fire their engines. The egg innards spill down into the silo and the fire from the engines cooks and hardens the egg that has flowed around the missile, effectively cementing it in place. Success!
Now we've got to get out of here before they explode from the back pressure! Following the path the rabbits took after the Energizer bunny, we burst free into the plain of egg shells. Ligeia is there waiting for us, and we sprint along the trail that Evil Pixie marked for us. We gather up 2nd Coming and Suicide*Blonde and head for the rescue boat.
Once aboard the boat the island explodes in a fiery cataclysm. We ask Ligeia if she got the Peter Cottontail and she smiles and gives us the cotton-tail of that bastard bunny. Double success. The team awards Immortal Sin on this mission the Silver Bucket O' Blood award for the most kills on a mission. Congrats, dude! This is Ibidis Mortem saying, (singing) Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Boooommmm!!! Die bunny, die!!! yuk yuk. ©   1997   C A Lutke