Tales of the AICEFF
It was a sunshine perfect day. The kind that only happen in fairy tales and imaginations. Back at the AICEFF headquarters, Codenames:Not A Phase, Ligeia, Antithesis, Evil Pixie, PD, Cat and Rohmer were planning a much needed getaway after the last mission. They were just leaving to join Codename:Heartshine in Antigua to drink with strange men, when they received an urgent message from AICEFF Master Control. This was very odd indeed, seeing how all the regular missions went through our fearless leader, Ibidis Codename:Mortem. The message read: TOP SECRET!! To the AICEFF women ONLY!! ~~ We have received word that an EVIL plan is in the works, one that will attempt to brainwash the minds of all the little girls in the world. A Plan so vile, so HORRID, that action must be taken AT ONCE to mosh it like a pit at the Palladium!! Mattel has announced the formation of a band, a so called MUSIC band, consisting of BARBIE and her Politically Correct Bimbo cohorts... in an attempt to spread the terror of the BIG HAIRED BLONDE BIMBO by placing subliminal messages in the music that will warp the minds of all the little girls on earth into Blonde Bimbo Submission!! There is a Bar-B-Q in the works at this very moment on the island of Maui, Hawaii, where Mattel will introduce this HORRID musical plan. Your mission: Eliminate BARBIE and her PC band before they hit the airwaves with this High Pitched Squealing monstrosity they will attempt to pass off as music! ~~ NOTICE: The AICEFF men are NOT to be told of this mission. It MUST be kept from them AT ALL COSTS!! We fear that the men would start using other parts of their anatomy to think with and not have the presence of mind to complete this mission [if you get our drift!!]. No problem. Thanks to Codename:Rohmer, the men were satisfied. We just got back from a shoot-em-up, kick-some-corporate-ass mission. Rohmer always did know just how to please the guys. They didn't even blink when all of the AICEFF women quietly filed into the ladies room lounge to discuss a strategy (ladies' restrooms are equipped with a chat room for a REASON, ya know?). Cat and Rohmer volunteered to arrive at the island early and take control of the testosterone situation. Cat figured a few flips and swirls of her scarves would be enough to subdue any man. But just in case something went wrong Rohmer would bring her arrows. She could put out an ant's eye from 200 paces with those babies. NAP, Ligeia, Antithesis, Evil Pixie and PD would follow for the final stages of the mission. Operation:Barbie-Q was underway.
Maui beach was packed with bimbos and their daughters. A few pale pink, plastic looking men were scattered here and there, barbecuing tofu burgers and turkey dogs. The only real men on the beach seemed to be preoccupied by a belly dancer and an archer showing off their respective skills along the shoreline - Cat and Rohmer had them under control nicely ... all except for this one guy with a nose ring who was sipping tropical drinks and going around hitting things with sticks ... weird. A stage was set up to the north, at the foot of the active Mattel Volcano. That must be where the band would make their first appearance - but WHEN? That was the 64 billion dollar question. Evil Pixie wasted no time. Costumed in her thong bikini, she blended into the crowd and began to mingle, trying to gather as much information as she could. From off to their left, Ligeia, Antithesis, PD and NAP were approached by a plastic looking man wearing an alligator polo shirt, opened at the neck. "Hi, my name is Ken, how may I serve you?" The four operatives just rolled their eyes. Offended, Ken turned and started to walk away. But not before Plohoie grabbed a pink-colored drink from his serving tray. As she removed the little umbrella to take a sip, POP! A tiny explosion! And PD had pink glitter stuck all over her face. Ligeia, Antithesis and NAP stopped laughing as the glitter was absorbed into PD's skin, giving her complexion somewhat of a ... plastic appearance. Uh oh. This didn't look good at all. Then PD spouted in her warrior tone, "What are YOU looking at?" Good. It was only a superficial flesh wound. There was ONE operative who was NOT in the market for a FACELIFT, that's for sure!! Just then Evil Pixie rejoined the group with the pertinent 7information. Barbie and her PC band would make their appearance at 2pm. That's only 15 minutes away!! Antithesis dropped her pack to the ground and immediately began to assemble something right there on the beach. PD and Ligeia apparently knew what she was up to, and PD instinctively dropped and began helping. NAP and Evil Pixie covered them, but Ligeia just wandered off. Standing with her back to the sun, Evil Pixie could no longer ignore the pain on her derriere. "Got any sunburn lotion in that bag of tricks, AT?" Antithesis just shook her head, "Nope, sorry," and continued to assemble these... necklaces? What the hell...? "Hey you two! Can't you hold off on your artistic urges till the mission is done?" But no, and as they continued to make beads, Antithesis explained, "They're bombs! We'll wear them and pass them out and after the first song is finished we'll all toss them at the stage like the beads at Mardi Gras! You just know with this crowd they'll follow our lead... We have two minutes before they blow after we toss 'em. It'll give a whole new meaning to BEAD BLAST BARBIE!!" And Ibidis Codename:Mortem said those art classes were a waste of time. HA! Just then Ligeia returned with ... seaweed...? Grumbling and muttering: "It's string for the necklaces! Gotta go with what works in a pinch doncha know. Besides this isn't my usual job..." And the operatives began stringing together Bead Bomb Necklaces using seaweed for CHAINS. Meanwhile, the Bimbo and her PC band had assembled on the stage. When the first song began, the high pitched squealing sent NAP into a frenzy!! She grabbed her flame-thrower ready to toast the Bimbo right then and there!! This would not do!! Taking out Barbie at this point would expose the team and give the bimbo cohorts an opportunity to escape!! Suddenly NAP was distracted by a ringing phone... Where was that coming from? She spotted the phone on Ken's serving tray and grabbed it. Evil Pixie saw what was about to happen and shouted out to NAP, "NO!! DON'T TOUCH THAT PHONE!! IT'S PINK!!!!" Damn! too late... NAP picked up the phone and heard, "Let's call Ken...and... go to... a concert" ...the high pitched squealing voice pierced NAP's eardrums immediately and rendered her unconscious. Poor NAP. But at least it kept her from blowing their cover.
Ligeia, AT and PD began passing out the necklaces. Within minutes, the necklaces were well dispersed throughout the crowd. Suddenly a couple of plastic bimbos in a little pink jeep came four-wheeling onto the scene! No! Not the Barbie Jeep! One of the bimbos was dressed like a bride, and the other one looked like a veterinarian. They started yelling something about bombs and necklaces....how the hell did they find out? Ligeia grabbed her machine gun, but before she could fire off a round, the jeep went flying into the air, capsized, and the two plastic bimbos landed head first in the DIRT. What the ...? Out from behind the wreckage walked Cat and Rohmer, eyes burnt with stinging sweat, and a couple of smoking guns in hand. Ah! That explained it. Evil Pixie meandered over to the group sighing in relief ... found some Aloe Vera for her burnt derriere. All the women operatives headed to the front of the stage, where out of nowhere appeared two Mattel Executives in three piece suits! Without hesitation, Cat retrieved her belly dancing tips from her cleavage and tossed the wad of cash under the stage. The three-piece suited ones dove after it like a couple of hungry hippos. Great thinking Cat!! Damn! Would this song ever end...? Just in time, the hideous sounds ceased. Quick everyone!! Toss the necklaces....and RUN!! With that they all hauled ass into the jungle ... KABOOOOM!!!! The entire stage, including Barbie and her PC cohorts were blasted skyward, and the burning corpsed pyre landed right in the mouth of the active Mattel Volcano. The air was filled with the sound of little girls the world over regaining control of their body image and vocal chords. But wait, what's that smell? Was that the unmistakable stench of plastic melting against red hot coals? Operation:Barbie-Q was a burning success!! Basking in the sun on the Caribbean Island of Antigua, NAP's ears were still ringing. But that didn't stop her from drinking Tequila Sunrises with strange men! Yet another round of drinks appeared before her, but wait! These drinks weren't Orange, these drinks were PINK! No! It couldn't be! NAP bolted upright into defensive position, reaching for her flame-thrower, only to find Ibidis Codename:Mortem holding the tray of Pink drinks, dressed in a French Maid's uniform!! yuk, yuk, yuk! Our leader just laughed as NAP fell backwards into the collapsing lounge chair. Then he ripped off the uniform with one swift stroke. Good thing he was wearing swimming trunks under there, or NAP would be blinded by the FLASH!! Ligeia was flirting with some cute guy in a Corvette when Druidic Concoctions interrupted, posing as Ligeia's beau. Dag nabbit Dru!! Rohmer and Cat were relaxing at an umbrella table sipping tropical drinks with strange men, when Immortal Sin pulled up a chair. Antithesis was building sandcastles and doing shooters with a band of lifeguards, when Devil's Dance crashed her party. Evil Pixie's derriere was still a bit too sore for sitting. She was chasing some longhaired blonde guy in a blue speedo down the beach! Until she tripped over Plohoie, that is, who was taking a catnap in the sand. The team gathered 'round Mortem and each took a pink drink from the serving tray. Mortem raised his glass and said, "A toast ... to Operation:Barbie-Q and a job well done!" Here, here. Yeah, we shouldda known better than to try to hide anything from you guys. This is the AICEFF Women saying, DIE BARBIE DIE!!!!!!! ©   5/98   the 3 S's
not a phase, pixie, ligeia